FROM THE JOURNAL OF ALEXANDER MANNING
- The Bouttreax Incident, Part 2: Shit Gets Crazy -
Take heed and bear witness to the truths that lie herein - for they are the last legacy of that Thrice Cursed Minstrel.
...
The
warm, pink liquid, the nectar of my Potioncube, melted into my veins:
And so the madness began. I blinked for a few moments, my eyes blurred
and swam... I blinked again, curiously affected by the lamps in the
room... and soon realised that the nightscapes through the windows were
visible to me, as clear as day! This potion did not poison me, thank
Three, but granted me with vision to see in the night! Fantastic! I
declared this boon, and described the Lord's land by way of proof. The
crowd seemed curious or skeptical... I excitedly ran from window to
window, enjoying this new magic, as challenges and amazement rang out
behind me. Inspired by my courage, The Lord's Squire, full of wine and
youth, eager to prove his valour, tumbled the prism and drank from it's
gift. He too stood blinking for a moment before a cry of joy burst from
him! “Huzzah”, came the cry and he soon joined me at the window, where
we drunkely highlighted owls and the rodents they hunted. Murmurs filled
the room, which soon turned to arguments and challenges. The name
'William' was heard more often than any other... Brilliant!
Lord
William sat, with a curious look on his face... Presumably the man was
threatened by the risk, but unwilling to allow himself to be upstaged by
his young and reckless squire. He looked deep in thought... Some
moments passed... And “FINE!” he said, “DAMN YOU ALL! FINE!” he stood
quickly, finishing his drink.
“You cretins... I had better not
regret this!” he grumbled, rolling the cube prismly across the table. It
crushed glasses and unsettled desserts, but soon stopped, revealing a
simple glass potion-vial. He walked confidently over to the potion that
sat atop, uncorked it and swallowed the pink liquid. All watched as he
coughed quietly and then looked quizzically in my direction... He flexed
slightly and grinned at me..
Sir William, Lord of Castle
Bouttreaux, Knight of Wessex. This somber gentleman, mad with angst and
vexation, robbed of his youthful vigour and filled with a wonderfully
wholesome wine, did grasp the nearest chair (unceremoniously unseating
the shocked fellow using it) and flung it hard against the wall,
shattering the piece. “I FEEL YOUNG AGAIN!!” he roared! He stoutly
kicked the dining table, upending it and several guests besides, and
wielding his chair leg as a fine Feierlander battlecane! Obviously
possessed by the eager spirit of some Knight Errant, and most certainly
filled with strength of a Malgarr Hearthguard, he set about shouting in
manly rage and dismantling any non-human in the room! O, dear reader it
was wonderful! Chunks of chair and ripped paintings lay strewn across
the room in mere seconds, such was the Strength of William!
The
guests were either outraged, uproariously entertained, or helping. Poor,
unseasoned Chezmerelda fled the room, ostensibly to pray. Lady Susan
seemed intrigued by her husband's impressive and uncharacteristic
display of masculinity. Several of the men were taken by the occasion,
snapping and crushing things alongside their lord... William roared
again, words this time, and summoned one of the Wizard's Danish
Men-At-Arms. The Castle Chaplain was inspired by this display and
gleefully drank a potion from the cube. He let his own drunken cry and
lifted a chair, only to realise that, instead of manly strength, the
concoction had left his entire body covered in a hardy and flexible
wood. He paused for a moment, confused and obviously disappointed by
this development... he laughed, shrugged, and hefted his chair out a
nearby window. The glass shattered just as someone else was struck by a
bowl of Coleslaw.
Once food had been identified as legal riot
currency, some spicey pigeon quickly and forcefully found it's way into
one of the heretofore outraged ladies' bodices, the latter, furious,
promptly throwing a fistful of custard at the offender. From this moment
forth, there was neither sane nor sensible soul in the holding. The
rough and muscular Dane, Olaf (or Arnoulf?), soon appeared in the room's
doorway, where he was instantly borne to the floor and pummelled by a
maniacal Sir William. This proved a catalyst of sorts, for it turns out
this warrior was something of a Berserker! So he bit Sir Williams hand
broke the poor Lord's nose with his forehead. Sir William let fly a
fearsome roar, and beat the man harder, their tussle spilling them both,
bloody and brilliant, out the door and into the courtyard. A large
crowd grew and cheered, watching as this primal display grew bloodier
and more hilarious. Smiling quietly to myself, I poured another glass
and trotted after the chaos.
Everyone who wasn't engaged in
their own mischief was enjoying the wrestling, which had gotten
completely out of hand... there is blood and drink flying everywhere..
at one point this Berserker was ramming the lord's face into the
cobblestones as Sir William struck repeatedly at his Danish Saddlebags.
Both were grinning uncontrollably, Olaf between winces and William
through a rictus of blood and sweat. Utter madness. The wooden-chaplain
had started an impromptu betting ring. He met my gaze through the crowd
and smiled broadly. I took the opportunity to be insulted. No, dear
reader, there was no reason for this save pure joy. I throw my shirt
aside and charge through the gentlefolk! Coins and tickets burst into
the air as I wrestle the Timberly Fellow to the ground, smiling and
smushing his face with cold mashed potato.
At some point in our
little match, several of the menagerie toward the back of the crowd
spontaneously fall asleep... No-one cares, obviously. It was uh...
rather grand though. One of them fell so hard that she shattered her
nose on the pavement. Hah! Such fun. Whilst distracted by this I..
uhh... I don't precisely know what happened, dear reader. Suffice to
say, I ended up wrestling the Lord William himself. Both of us were
covered in blood, food and laughter. The old man was incredibly strong
(potion? Note to self – investigate) but my training with the People's
Peace Corps of Feierland County (PPCFC), and my time wrestling with
Ronian Crocodilliers put me in good stead.
I cracked half a
dozen eggs on the good lord's face, and whilst reaching for some more I
saw the lustful Dane brutalising the poor chaplain. Brutalising, I say,
and I promise you the word is not an exaggeration. I strongly feel that
his wooden countenance was the only thing that let him keep his eyes
that night. Noble and loveable reader: The cheers were deafening.
May
I say here, that if the cheers were defeaning, the screams they turned
into were positively unbearable... for as I stuffed a housecat into
William's mouth, some unholy and Smokey Demon casually tore the arms off
of That Diabolical Minstrel of Story Stealing Morality! Hah! Wonderful!
A hilarious and suitably stressful demise for that despicable knave.
Bloody and covered in potato, I roll off Sir William, springing to my
feet. The Horror-Thing is eviscerating the guests. Details are sketchy,
for I was afflicted by alcohol and adrenaline both, and for this
vagueness I must apologise... But the Demon's victims.. well.. there is
not much to bury, I am sorry to say. Apparently this creature was called
'Satan', or so I gathered from several of the guests (Fleeing and
screaming his terrible name as they were). Without jest, It was a
horrible and cruel beast... Relishing in the blood it shed and the lives
it ended. It was, quite simply, violent.
Naturally, drunken and
unclothed as I was, I rushed into the beast and boxed it. It's claws
were rending at my flesh and soul, and it gave as good as it took... I
stuck him with a right as he ripped at my face... I slipped a reaching
talon and landed a short uppercut to it's fiendish chin... The battle
raged! Our struggle trashed much of the courtyard, and I paid for each
stumble with a slicing claw or firey breath. In the end though, my
accurate handwork and skillful movement proved too much for this
Satan-beast.
The demon forced a clinch, rending my shoulder with
it's teeth... Undeterred, I ripped hook after hook into it's failing
body.. My shoulder ached, but after these crushing blows, Satan
crumbled... the smokey shambler dropped to it's knees, crippled by pain
and groaning a filthy, inhuman groan. I drove a bloody knee into The
Despicable Beast's face, and so ended The Thing. It slowly dissipated,
filling the courtyard with repugnant smoke and leaving nought but a pile
of sulphurous ash. Victory!!!
I cheered triumphantly, but none
cheered with me, for they were all dead or fleeing. Olaf was apparently
and gleefully tieing the Chaplain to the ceiling. I stood, arms raised,
but a little sad that something so unbearable as this 'Satan' character
could spoil such fun... Without warning, I was grasped from my back and
dishonourably suplex'd to the ground by a seemingly rejuvenated Sir
William! That squirrelly rogue! Three curses on his devious tactics!!
Our struggle resumed! Blows were struck and positions changed to and
fro... but, much as I wish otherwise, I honestly could not tell you who
won, dear reader! The drink has gotten the best of me this day, for all I
remember was waking up to a delicious breakfast of Eggs and fruit. Oh
Adia!