Tuesday, March 13, 2012


- The Bouttreaux Incident: Part 1 -

So! It has become startlingly apparent that these dreams I've been having of a wondrous, almost Feierlandic Castle name “Boutrreaux” are, in fact, real. I had thought they were a dream, for the week that I had spent there had introduced me to some wonderfully quirky and highly entertaining Noblepeople. Marvellous! I appreciated their generous offers of drink and accommodation as much as their recognition of my nobility. Equally pleasantly, my natural charm and strange tales had My Sexy Zimbabwean Wife Adia and me entertaining various Noble Ladies in particularly intimate ways. The majority of my Multiversal Manipulations have been assuredly horrible, thus it took some convincing for me to believe this part to be anything more than a nice dream.

But I ramble, and a dream it most certainly was not! For one morning, after another Adventure-Dream-Horror, I entered the dining room to find none other than that unscrupulous clothman, Uggs, standing smartly in the opposite doorway! Wearing robes! That pompous fiend! We exchanged a masculine embrace and shared stories of our travels and fortunes. He had informed the butler of our friendship and gained lodging in this exceedingly fun holding. During this conversation I learned, happily, that some stalwart midget had arrived, leading a wagon full of wine no less! A boon from The King Of Turns! O, what a glorious time! I immediately resolved to hold a party.

Tired from his undoubtedly arduous journey, Uggs retired to his room whilst I set about preparations for the revelry. I had My Persian Boy, Abu gather My Sexy Zimbabwean Wife Adia and some of the ingredients from my room... I took them to the kitchen, where I ordered the Castle Cuisiniers, under supervision of my lovely wife, to prepare a warm and exotic feast for the household and its patrons. Also they were to add wine and spirits to anything that could handle them.

Shortly before dinner, everyone is seated. There is enough wine to drown a rock and the wonderful and exotic scents of the food waft gently into the hall on a pleasant breeze. Everyone had a certain energy, all full of joy and excitement, like puppies... I can only assume they were full of the life of a pregnant moon! Earnest conversations spread liveliness and mirth through all present.

The wine starts to flow, and laughter with it. A variety of breathtaking meals were served, the warmth of the spice and the curiousness of the flavours amplified the joy in the room (My thanks to Adia, who looked positively radiant in her new jewellery). The table is cleared and replaced (by who, if I recall, might have been Elsa? From the Desert? Strange times) with more wine... and a little something I had been saving for precisely then. Mightily, I swept aside some glasses and tossed my Polyhedral Potioncube upon the table. Conversations halted and gasps preceded my words. I bade all heed, and told them of the dangerous and mystical floating desert of Sanctum, above Unity: the Kingdom of Faerie Elves. I shared a tale of the dragon that flew me there and the Fae Queen that gifted me his use. I regaled the strange culture and sinister surrounds of a sun-drenched town and the swarthy merchant from which I bargain'd this brilliant artifact. I told them of it's previous owner (the tinker's own brother), and of the joys and power it brought this long parted Adventurer. I finished the tale with how this cube, bringer of liquid gifts and taker of precious lives, ended up being the story of this Desert Man - the story of his life and his tragic death.

I paused. I rolled the prism. Gesturing to the vial which now sat atop it, I dared this drunken, energised rabble to drink of the thing! To trust in The Three to reward their courage! “Fortune favours the brave”, I bellowed! My Persian Boy Abu handed me the first potion, and I quaffed it with a flourish! Jaws hung open and all eyes watched me. There I stood, the magic coursing through me.... The silence in the room was beautiful.

Gentle reader, if ye taketh offence to profanity I implore thee to turn-page... For only the profane doth verily capture events from said evening. A Party To End All Parties. Kind reader, take thy seat and make preparations, for I continue this tale from the quaffing of that first potion...

Ladies and Gentlefolk, I must share the truth of that night. Please trust me when I tell you:

Shit got crazy.


More to follow ;)

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